Who am I, now that I’m not traveling?

Reality bites.
Or, naive is he who dreams. For the universe conspires to overthrow and challenge all plans made by man.
Kinda dark perhaps. But still, who here can prove me wrong?

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Traveling was my dream. After a brutal kinetic reorientation with a unmovable object, the unstoppable force where left wounded and hurt. The unmovable object, Reality, had no pity nor did it flinch at the unstoppable force’ bold attempt to just saunter through life,- just because because “how hard can it be”? The unstoppable force here, that was me. Or the part of me that was, and still is, a dreamer.

This kinetic reorientation is just fancy-babble for “I hit a brick wall”. Late 2011 I hit a wall, and was forced to take a few (many) steps back to regain my bearings.

My method for getting back up on the horse where a simple idea that once it flirted through my head, could not be ignored. “What do I want to do if I can do whatever I want to?”
The next 800-something days I spent planning and preparing to travel around the world. First solo on a MC. Then later the plan and adhering preparations changed to a couples-world-trip together with Tonje. Nothing is ever that easy. Those of you who have read my other blogposts know the story. The rest of you newcomers, please check out my blogpost archive,- or maybe just go directly to this disaster..

So anyway, the question I’m trying to figure out now is this; “Who am I, now that I’m not traveling?”
Seems like a simple enough question, right? If I where to ask you “who are you?”, what would you say? Would you sum your life up in work, family and hobbies? Do you love your job and identify solely on what you do for a living? Or perhaps your family is your everything, and your answer to my question is “I am a husband/wife/father/mother”?

It’s a simple enough question, with a myriad of different and difficult answers. Or so it seems when you decide to ponder this question at 4 a.m. when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet.
I am a dreamer and a planner. I dream of a new adventure, and once it seems probable that it can be done, I start planning. Makes little difference if it’s a world trip or remodeling the house. Once I spot my target on the horizon, I tend to start working towards my goal. When I was planning and preparing for my world-tour adventure, I identified myself as that guy who tossed conventions aside and did that thing that no one else would. I was that guy. Dedicated. Hard working. Always on target.

After our trip,- and the dream of driving americas collapsed, I spent a lot of time trying very hard to figure out a few things.

1) What now?
2) Is this the moment in my life when I have to grow up?
3) Am I just a has-been-dreamer?

For a time just pondering the unhappy ending of our trip, I seriously wondered what the point to it all was? Why dream if you have to bear disappointments of such a magnitude? Why give the dream the light of day, only to have it crushed by events outside your control?

I guess dreaming and chasing my dreams is what gives my life value. Without dreams and plans I am a mere drone. Life has to be about more than paying bills, right? One of the biggest hurdles for me was feeling that I had to answer for my failiure, and gracefully accept all the «I told you so» comments that inevitably came after the trip-collapse.

I find that I can no longer do just that. Kind of a revelation really.
All the well-meaning advice along the lines of «you should do this, or that» really just highlight possible scenarios that I have turned over inumerable times in my head. In the dark. At 4 am,- when my brain decides that THIS is the time to question every decision I ever made.. So thanx, but no thanx.

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In this period of reflection and pondering I have found that I refuse to take the easy road, but rather prefer the road less travelled.
It’s not so much «my way or the highway», but more like my way is my highway. I try not to judge you, my fellow primate, for the choices you make, – and I respectully ask the same. Making unconventional choices may lead to pain and regret, but the end game is pece of mind. It always has been.

Perhaps the most important thing I learned the past 6-7 months is that I adapt real well. I will always make the best of the situation, and I just hope this is a lasting trait.
Traveling still is my dream, and I will keep reaching for it.

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About christerberentsen

Always searching. The world is my playground.

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